Jim Gaffigan: Decaf coffee is un-American
By Angela Garrity, Guest blogger
There’s a time and place for decaf – never and straight into the garbage. We all know this “dirt liquid” only works if you throw it on people. And apparently comedian Jim Gaffigan agrees.
In this video from CBS News, comedian Jim Gaffigan talks about why decaf coffee is un-American and why those who choose to drink it are the real problem facing our nation.
"Coffee is not just some brown beverage we foolishly stand in line and pay too much for. Coffee fuels the engine of America, and magically makes other humans palatable," he said in the video (watch below). "If there was no real coffee, America as a country would literally stop, and so would many of our digestive systems."
It's safe to say that Jim Gaffigan is the kind of person who you shouldn't talk to before he's had coffee.
Decaf coffee contains very little caffeine and tends to be "similar in taste and appearance" to regular coffee, according to Medical News Today. That is like having a fake friend who is just pretending to like you. It’s just not real and you don’t need that sort of negativity in your life.
Even the members of Indian Hills, Colorado who run the community sign fully understand the meaning of life for actual coffee drinkers – Decaf coffee is depresso.
According to the folks at Greatist, decaf coffee was discovered in the 1900s when a shipment of coffee beans was soaked in seawater during transit, which naturally extracted some of the caffeine.
Shortly after, the merchant who happened upon the mishap recreated these magic beans using a chemical solvent called benzene, an ingredient that is a major component of gasoline and also found in volcanoes. Today, the decaffeination process is definitely much better, but that doesn't mean we like it. We’ll pass on anything less than the strongest.
Who are these seekers who wish to be ‘caffeine conscious’ anyway and why can’t they get on our level? Who actually drinks this stuff anyway and why it even a thing? Don’t these people know they can sleep when they’re dead just like the rest of us?
WATCH THE JIM GAFFIGAN VIDEO: