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Death to your dreams: This Ice Cream truck is straight out of hell

NO ICE CREAM FOR YOU

By Angela Garrity, Guest Blogger

Sorry kiddies, this ice cream truck in Northeast Minneapolis isn’t bringing ice cream this summer - or ever.

Hell General, the black ice-cream style truck, is the stuff nightmares are made from – for both uncool adults and bratty kids alike, that is. How about some sweet dreams of heavy metal and a side of disappointment, instead? This truck runs on chaos.

Faster! Faster!

City Pages gives us the scoop about Hell General owner Matt Peterson. “Peterson says the idea for this demonic contraption came to him after his own Batman villain-esque experience with an evil ice cream man. When he was 10 years old, Peterson says he flagged down a jangly truck, eager to get a cool, creamy treat, and realized he didn’t have any money in his Ninja Turtle swimming trunks. He promised he’d return with the tender and sprinted back to the house to grab some.

By the time he reached his front porch, the ice cream man was pulling away. He pounded on the porch window to try and get him to stop, only to shatter the glass into a billion pieces and cut the dickens out of his wrist.

“I realized one thing at that moment,” Peterson writes on the Hell General website. “The ice cream man was one sick motherfucker.”

As happens in so many good villain backstories, Peterson became the very thing that haunted and maimed him as a child: an evil ice cream man who did not provide ice cream. He got the truck in 2009, spent a couple of years fixing it up, investing and reinvesting in breakdowns and stolen parts.

Whenever he gets the itch, he coasts around the neighborhood, delighting passersby... and demolishing their ice cream hopes.

He’s seen wonders. Grown men have tried to foist money into his hand while they -- and Peterson -- drove at 25-mile-an-hour speeds. He smiled and peeled off. Fathers have asked him to explain to their four-year-old kids why they can’t have the popsicle they wanted. Smiling, he refused. He’s seen 12-year-olds watch him drive away, watched their mouths form the words, “What the fuck.”

It's glorious.

And that is how one bad day can create a villain.

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